"Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG"
By: TheHGW
| 1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer. 1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk. 1303. Nothing in Victoria’s Secret catalog is available in Dracheneisen. 1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. 1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms. 1306. State Troopers are immune to the effects of the Delirium, so I need to find another way out of that speeding ticket. 1307. No matter how well I make my fashion roll, L’Empereur is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic school girl’s uniform. 1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. 1309. Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step. 1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide. 1311. I will not one shot an Eisenfurst. 1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is. 1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty’s memory. 1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. 1315. Even if my character is Orthodox Jewish, I will check other characters’ pulse before trying to bury them. 1316. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle’s damage in one round. 1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I’m chasing him with a wheat thresher. 1318. Fauner Posen’s Boy Toy is not technically a position at court. 1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away. 1320. There is no such thing as a Ballista-o-Gram. 1321. I will not accuse the Traveler News Service of liberal bias. 1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate. 1323. I will not spend my entire Muster bonus on lottery tickets. 1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree. 1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either. 1326. I will not blow all my points on extra limbs just so I can play the superhero “Millipede Man” 1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks. 1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point. 1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce ball. 1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check. 1331. I will not hex someone into looking like a piñata. Especially in Mexico City. 1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime. 1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. 1334. You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda. 1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time. 1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. 1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener. 1338. Jack Lalanne: Wrong type of Juicer. 1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise. 1340. Brute squads make poor bridesmaids. The reverse is not necessarily true. 1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not being famous. 1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray. 1343. If I have to explain to the halfling’s sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we’re all in trouble. 1344. No matter how cool it would be, we can’t use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10 squadrons for D-Day. 1345. I don’t get a drama die just because the GM pees. 1346. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events. 1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game. 1348. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave out the lyric “So we can kill you.” 1349. I will not program the medical droid for “aggressive dentistry.” 1350. I will not dare the wage mage into trying to summon a class 20 spirit. |
 I dare you to tell me I can't be front line |
 Dude. I know gun-fu |
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 These are DEFINITELY a super power! |
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 Totally not cool. |