My wife and I want to get more into bondage and S&M but she keeps telling me I need to warm up more and her explanations on how to do so don't really help. Any reference sources or tips you could give would really help.
The thing I love about BDSM more than anything is the dedication to communication that many in the scene have. I wish that everyone communicated as much and as well as people in the BDSM scene. Boundaries, expectations, likes and dislikes, safe words, and consent are all often discussed before any type of sex play starts. If everyone was committed to communication like this we'd be a lot happier and more satisfied.
So when you tell me that her explanations aren't helping I have to wonder where the communication is suffering. Is she not willing to give all the details of what she wants? Many are afraid to ask for what they want, often assuming that their partner should just know how to please them and then ending up disappointed when it doesn't go the way they wanted it to. Or are you not asking adequate questions? Don't be afraid to ask her what she means or even to have her demonstrate on you so you can get a clearer picture.
I can't really tell you what it is that she wants you to do or give you a clearer explanation. Heck you didn't even tell me if she was a top or a bottom. But I did learn a lot of things at a recent workshop I attended at Early to Bed taught by the beautiful and talented Mistress Crimson.
She suggested that warming up a bottom should include literally warming them up by getting their blood flowing. This can decrease pain and bruising. Some examples she gave included massaging the areas you will be smacking around and light slapping with your hand or a riding crop.
As for warming up a top - and yes, tops need to be warmed up as well - its all about setting the mood. It can be difficult for a top to go from romantic dinner out on the town to tying up and spanking their partner. Sure the bottom is ready, willing, and able, but the top often feels a need to transition. Mistress Crimson suggested putting on a CD or a certain outfit that signifies playtime and makes you feel sexy and powerful.
So maybe your wife means something like that? Or maybe she means she needs a psychological warm up. Some people need to feel free to enter a different place when they are going to be doing a BDSM scene. They may just need to zone out or they may want to play a part like evil headmistress or naughty schoolgirl.
So really my advice is to talk some more. Try to figure out what it is your wife really wants and if you don't understand, ask questions. And if she doesn't want to tell you, point out that you cannot read her mind, but really want to be able to please her.
Less than 2 weeks to the wedding! Talk about stress! And what is a better cure for stress than orgasms? Can't think of a damned thing!
Ok folks, I really never thought I'd say this. Like seriously, never in a million years did I ever think these words would come out of my mouth/from my fingertips. I think I found a vibrator that is better than the hitachi magic wand. Only time will really tell, but my first impressions are just "Wow!!"
If you're a hitachi addict like I am, you'll understand how often pointless it seems to try new vibrators when you've already found the best. But then I met the Acuvibe Mini and my world has changed. It is so much smaller and lighter than the hitachi. So many nights of frustration with the hitachi because of its heft and size seem to now have been for no good reason. How my hand and wrist would ache from holding the enormous vibe and how frustrating it was on cold nights to masturbate under a blanket. And then there is the cord, which always keeps you close to outlets meaning on vacations you sometimes end up masturbating on the floor of your hotel room instead of the bed. And other times you are just frustrated because the cord just never seems long enough or has become twisted around the bed post.
No more need for frustration! The Acuvibe Mini is so small (only 8" compared to the hitachi's 12") and lightweight in comparison and its rechargeable so you will no longer need to be near an outlet. It only has one setting, but its very comparable to the low setting on the hitachi, which has the deep rumble that a girl like me craves. The head is not as big as the hitachi, but it has a curve that nicely cradles me in all the right spots. And unlike the rechargeable cousin to the hitachi, the Ideal, this baby doesn't rattle and distract you from that awesome orgasm. It's not whisper quiet, but it just sounds like a loud vibrator like the hitachi does.
Possible downsides include:
- If only the high setting on the hitachi can get you off, this one won't work for you.
- If you're addicted to all those attachments for the hitachi, this also won't work for you. The attachments won't fit on the smaller head of the Acuvibe mini and I haven't seen any attachments made for it yet.
- If you don't like the jackhammer strong vibes like the hitachi you will HATE this vibrator.
- And really the only downside to me personally being that it has a bright blue light on when its charging. Not a big deal, I just cover it up with a towel.
I have a feeling this vibe won't last as long as the hitachi since it is rechargeable, but its so rare that any vibes last that long anyways. It does come with a one year manufacturer warranty though. I will keep you all updated as its use continues to let you know if I find any flaws, but here's hoping that I have actually found a vibrator that outranks the hitachi.
Ok so obviously the last porno I watched for XCritic was pretty awful. But the 5 that I was recently sent should all be pretty damn awesome. This makes it extremely difficult to choose which one to watch first so I’m going to leave it up to you.
1. Frisk Me starring Madison Young, Syd Blackovich, and Satine Phoenix. All of which are totally drool worthy! Description: We are under surveillance. And it’s so terrifying that it becomes… titillating. Step into a fantasy world where hand-cuffs and interrogation are simply foreplay. Where night sticks become sex toys, where Orwellian policing becomes protocol and a window for voyeuristic desires to be satiated. Where TSA agents do cavity searches that will have you screaming out in orgasms and begging the words “Frisk Me.” We are reclaiming terror and cultivating pleasure with anal orgasms, female ejaculation, blow jobs, hot dripping wet sex, and BDSM. So what are you waiting for? Aren’t you going to Frisk Me?
2. Speakeasy starring Billy Castro, Dallas Fivestar, Lorelei Lee, and Jiz Lee. Description: Detective Billy Castro descends into the world of porn noir as he investigates an underground queer club filled with handsome transmen and femme fatales. While on a stakeout, the private dick witnesses Jiz Lee and Dallas Fivestar perform passionate suspension with ejaculation, as well as the bartenders tending to each other. After fighting for a chance to dance with the lovely Lorelei Lee, our gumshoe gets more than a mambo during their table-top tryst. Shot on location in an actual speakeasy bar, award-winning director Courtney Trouble worked with videographer Morty Diamond to capture the feel of the 1940s, as well as the queer fetish and fearlessness of our own era.
3. Mandy Candy starring Mandy Morbid and Kimberly Kane. Description: Ever been so close to Mandy Morbid you could taste candy? In this trip, you’ll witness her true sexual appetite. From the dirty streets of Hollywood to fancy hotels in Beverly Hills, Mandy picks up desperate little runways and orders up sex like room service. See Mandy exploited just the way she likes it, by award-winning fuck director Kimberly Kane, who demands the nastiest sex acts be carried out with no hesitation. How deprived can Mandy get? Just put this candy in your mouth and SUCK.
4. Seven Minutes in Heaven: Coming Out! starring Tina Horn who may just have one of the best asses ever and also starring a bunch of people I’ve never heard of, but who look fucking hot. Description: Reality porn is coming out of the closet in this first ever gonzo queer film. Award-winning director Courtney Trouble invites 7 diverse, fresh-faced performers to a kinky slumber-party for fun and games… only tonight there are no rules, no limits and no bedtime! The amateur cast picks their own partners, their own sex toys and their own ways of getting off. Spin the Bottle inspires an unscripted fuck-fest and first-time fantasies come true during a Truth or Dare strap-on sex scene. With honest video confessions, authentic orgasms and natural bodies, Seven Minutes in Heaven is the real queer deal.
5. Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality starring Dylan Ryan, Tina Horn, and Aiden Starr. Description: Discover the fluidity of sexuality. Part documentary, part pornography, this film from award-winning director Madison Young is more than the sum of its parts. These women are deconstructing words and labels to define sexuality on their own terms. During in depth interviews, Dylan Ryan, Aiden Starr, Tina Horn and Amber Keen discuss their personal journeys into the world of queer, bisexual and pansexual identities. Sex scenes then allow them to fulfill their fantasies and create intimate connections with men and women. They give it and get it the way they want it; with hot threesomes, delicious blow jobs, female ejaculation on the roof top and a circle jerk in the kitchen. With its courageous, creative and carnal cast, Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality will stimulate you both sexually and intellectually.
Hi! A friend just turned me onto your site and it's already been really helpful! But I noticed that you don't seem to have any entries about cock rings... I've seen some in stores that are stretchy, others that are leather, but what do you think is best? Also, I used to think that cock rings were just for keeping a man from cumming, but apparently there's more to it than that? Please, enlighten me!
Cock Curious
I'm glad you're enjoying the site and thanks so much for the question. To all of you readers out there, if you think there is something missing from my blog, please don't hesitate to send an email letting me know what you'd like to see more of.
Yes, cock rings can help to keep a man from ejaculating as soon as he might normally, but they also have lots and lots of other uses too! And they also come in a number of different materials from stretchy jellies and elastomers to rigid rubber and steel.
My boss over at Early to Bed recently made a video about cock rings so I figured that would be a great way to share the info you're looking for.
There are a couple things I would like to add to what she said. First of all, the leather vibrating cock ring she shows can also be used around the testicles as well as the shaft.
Also, a great beginner cock ring is this bolo tie style cock ring. It is really easy to put on and adjust and is pretty inexpensive. It is a great way for men to figure out if they like cock rings or not.
Finally, I'd like to add that there is one more use for cock rings not mentioned by my boss. Sure they're great at making erections last longer, making them harder, helping to delay ejaculation, and stimulating the clit, but they're also great for keeping condoms on. If you find that you have difficulty with condom slippage, cock rings are great for keeping a condom secure. This can be especially helpful with polyurethane condoms which often have slippage issues, men whose penises are smaller than average, and sex toys that don't quite have the size and shape of a penis but you would prefer to have sheathed for hygienic reasons.
As far as what I think is best, well I feel that is a matter of opinion. But I do stress that if the man in question is new to using a cock ring, he should use one that is easy to remove if necessary. So it should be stretchy, adjustable, or easy to cut off. Stay away from metal! I'd even recommend not using the rubber o-ring style ones right off the bat as they can be difficult to cut off if you're panicked at all.
That depends on if we're talking in psychological terms or in popular speech.
Popular language has defined a fetish as something that turns someone on that is not necessarily sexual in it's own right. For example: Someone who has a stocking fetish may become really aroused by a woman wearing stockings, but the stockings themselves are not sexual. They are just an article of clothing.
Psychologically speaking, a fetish is actually a mental health issue. A fetish is defined as something that is not necessarily sexual, but is needed by the user to become aroused. The difference here is in the level of necessity. The psychological term fetish means that someone actually is unable to become aroused without those stockings. This is a lot more serious and can cause problems especially if the fetish is more bizarre or even harmful to others.
Because of how fetish is defined psychologically, I prefer to use the term kink when referring to things that I or others like that are not necessarily sexual in their own right. So for example: Spanking, strap-ons, and old spice deodorant are some of my kinks. I do not require any of them to become aroused, but I do enjoy them.
So, I have heard time and again how important Kegels are for vaginal health. But I feel like there isn't much information out there about which sex toys help with Kegels, especially when it comes to pregnancy. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and am not high risk, so as far as I know there is no reason to avoid sex toys. While I know that you can strengthen Kegels without toys I would love to know what is on the market in various price ranges. Ideally a something that has more than just the propose of Kegels would be great. Do you have any ideas?
Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don't know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don't recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.
And you're right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.
While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.
The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.
The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- or if you're really hardcore there is njoy's eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300
These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.
Hello! Long time reader (love your blog), long time E2B shopper, and first time emailer.
I am a bisexual woman in the suburbs of Chicago. I realized this when I was 12, but have limited experience due to limited opportunities. Specifically, I have no idea where to meet women. I am in my 20s, and I am fine with bars, but there seems to be a lack of lesbian-themed in Chicago. I would prefer suburbs, since the Metra only runs till 12:40 am; however, I would travel to the city if that is the only place women interested in women hang out. Where does one go to find interesting women in the suburbs?
Signed,
My Gay-Dar is Such Shit Anyways
This is a question I've heard a lot and actually asked myself on numerous occasions. It can be really difficult to meet women especially when you aren't part of the queer community already. This seems to be the cry of the bisexual woman mostly because 1) men are soooo easy to find and 2) lesbians often have a negative knee jerk reaction to bisexual women. So what is a bi girl to do?
Well that really all depends on what you're in to, but as it turns out there are actually lots of places to meet sexy eligible women who love women. The hardest part is learning how to talk to them! And since you're already an E2B shopper you may know that they have a workshop called Flirting For Nerds which can really help in that department.
Here are some great resources that I've found:
- OutintheSuburbs.com is a resource for LGBT individuals in the Chicago burbs that lists all kinds of things from news events to gay bars and who frequents them to church groups and brunches.
- There are several bars that have lesbian nights: OUTDanced Tuesday at Funky Buddha, Dirty Girl Thursdays at Lakeview Broadcasting Company, and Chix Mix often throws parties at Circuit so get on their mailing list.
- Unlike the gay boy bars, the bars lesbians tend to go to are often not really advertised as lesbian bars. It helps to have friends in the queer community so you can find out the in on these places. Andersonville is a great neighborhood for scoping out chicks. There are several bars there where women who love women hang out including T's, Stargaze, and Atmosphere. There are a couple bars in the BoysTown neighborhood that aren't just for the boys including Spin, Berlin, and The Closet.
- Andersonville is also host to a feminist bookstore called Women and Children First which can be a great place to pick up the cute geeky feminist women. You can also check this store as well as E2B and other women-centered stores for fliers for upcoming events.
- Besides just meetup.com there are other places on the internet to find sexy ladies. There are dating sites, blog sites, networking sites, etc. Get creative! I met my fiance through a public transportation community on livejournal.com
- Burlesque shows can be a great place not only to see sexy women seductively taking off their clothes but also to meet women. Queer women seem to just adore burlesque and it is pretty easy to find in Chicago. I've found this site to be very useful when looking for upcoming burlesque shows in Chicago. If you're feeling daring you could even do burlesque yourself! I can't imagine anything sexier than being hit on by a hot lady in sequin pasties.
- Join a sports team. It is true what they say about dykes, they love their softball and rugby! You may even be able to find a GLBT team.
Good luck and remember to have fun while you're out on the prowl for ladies!
A relationships question for you. One of my classmates in organic chem and I hang out quite a bit, and of course I've got a bit of an attachment for her. It came up today about dating friends and she said she didn't date friends, and I got the impression I fall into that category. Plus in a roundabout way she said she knew I felt that way. I know it's a long shot but is there anything you can suggest I do to possibly change her mind? What really sucks for me is it has been a while since I met a girl I liked for reasons other than sex, so maybe I just have bad karma.
It sounds like she was trying to hint at it nicely that she is not interested. A lot of women do that in hopes that their male friends will get the hint and lay off. Straight men will often complain that women always just want to be friends with them, but put yourself in a woman's shoes. It can be very difficult to find male friends that aren't always trying to get in your pants. It is difficult to find straight men who just want to be friends.
Can you convince her? I'm not going to say that it's impossible. I mean hell I didn't think that I wanted to date the woman who I'm now engaged to, but she worked her way into my heart and I am thankful. But really if you're going to change her mind its just going to be by acting how you always act with her. If she comes around she'll come around. There's not going to be much you can do to convince her.
In the meantime put your focus on other romantic conquests. There are lots of ways to meet people. There is internet dating, blogs, meetup.com is a great resource for meeting people with similar interests, you could join a local club, go speed dating, if you have a dog you can take it for walks in the park (I hear that is a great way to meet women), or even have a party where you ask people to invite people that you don't know. The point is that you'll be looking for love elsewhere and if this other woman grows an interest during this time then great, but if she doesn't then you haven't been wasting your time and energy to try to convince her to take an interest.
So I was reading a sex education book that is a bit out of date and has some inaccurate information in it, but otherwise is a reasonably good resource. Anyways the point is that it said that silicone lube is highly flammable. Oddly enough in all of the reading I've done I'd never heard this before. Or actually a more likely story is that it just hasn't stuck. Well it will stick now because today we did lube science.
That's right, we lit lubes on fire. I have a much larger supply of water-based lubricants since I use a lot of sex toys and I don't want them to melt. So we tried 3 different water based lubricants: one with no glycerine and no parabens, one with glycerine but no parabens, and one with no glycerine but with parabens. None of these were flammable. In fact they all extinguished the fire so if you're ever in a fire and there is nothing to put it out with, but you have water-based lube handy it may just save your life ... but I wouldn't count on it.
You will want to be absolutely sure that that lube you're putting out your fire with is water-based though because as the book I was reading said, silicone lube is indeed highly flammable. I only had one brand of silicone lubricant to test unfortunately (the other one is going to be given to the winner of the lube contest that you should all be entering). The lube was Doc Johnson's iLube and when a lit match was held to a small puddle of the stuff the lube burst into flames. I was amazed at this and was not happy just knowing about one lube so I called a friend and had him set flame to his Eros silicone lube and he said that it also burst into flames. So I'd say that our results are pretty conclusive. Silicone lube is very flammable.
But why do you care, right? You're using it for sex, not as a lining in your baby's crib. You should care because silicone lube does not come off easily. This is a great property for a lube, but not such a great property if you're dealing with fire. This can especially be a concern if you play with candle wax during sex, are the romantic room full of candles type, or you like to cook a snack between sex romps to get more energy. I am imagining hands and genitals bursting into flames at very inopportune moments (really every moment is inopportune when it comes to bursting into flames though). So the point of this blog is to say that if you're using silicone lubricants BE CAREFUL!!! Wash your hands with soap and water before you handle fire and do not wipe your silicone lube covered hands on towels that may be close to flames.
I masturbate an average of 3 or 4 times a day. I've always preferred masturbation to sex because I have MUCH MUCH better orgasms than I do with sexual intercourse. But, I've recently met someone, and it looks like things are going to become sexual. This makes me happy to have met someone, but at the same time, this also makes me worry about my constant masturbation habits. In fact, sometimes I'm pretty sure it's an addiction.
I'm worried that my body has gotten used to masturbation as opposed to sex, which makes me worry about my sexual performance. The last couple of girls Ive slept with didn't really do it for me. I even had a hard time keeping it up. I would have much rather just gotten off by myself. The problem, is that I really like this girl, and I want to please her. This makes me think I should quit masturbating. But I've been trying to at least cut back lately, and honestly, don't think I can.
So, with this in mind, I have two questions.
Should I worry about this? Is a love of having several orgasms a day really an addiction? And if so, is it really that bad of an addiction? It's not like I'm doing drugs or drinking.
And, what would you suggest doing about my lack of sexual performance with sexual intercourse? Is there a way to increase sensitivity? Or maybe something to keep it hard longer? I don't want to use prescription pills. I mean, my god I'm only in my mid twenties! And I feel silly using a cock ring.
An addiction by definition is bad especially if it affects your life and people you care about. The way you're talking you definitely feel that it affects those you care about so it is a problem. It may also be a problem if you spend a lot of time on your addiction. Masturbating 3 or 4 times a day when you have the time is great, but if you're short on time and other more important things start to take a back seat to your masturbation addiction then you definitely have a problem. Comparing it to addictions that you feel are worse doesn't mean that it isn't something you should deal with and conquer.
Cutting down is definitely a good option. Another option is to vary your masturbation style. When we get used to only one type of stimulation to bring us to orgasm then that will be the only type that will be able to bring us to orgasm. Trying different things that may not bring you to orgasm the first few times will be frustrating, but ultimately more rewarding. The goal is to be able to make your body more receptive to different types of touches and feelings. Try using lube, twisting your hand a different way, being in a different position when you masturbate (i.e. if you usually stand up, try sitting), try a masturbation sleeve, try a different amount of pressure, experiment with your breathing, etc. There are a lot of fun ways to experiment with masturbation.
You also may be the type of man who just doesn't orgasm through intercourse. You would not be alone on this. Unfortunately, in our society both men and women are made to feel inadequate if they don't receive mind blowing ecstasy when they have penile/vaginal intercourse. Try oral sex and mutual masturbation. You may find this to be more fulfilling. Show your new partner how you like to be touched so that she can please you. Don't just expect her to know and be patient with her. Even if you don't get off the first time doesn't mean it won't happen. Be sensitive to her feelings though since some women may take it personally when you are unable to orgasm.
And finally, if you want to please her then don't worry so much about intercourse. A lot of women get much more pleasure out of oral sex and mutual masturbation. Try using sex toys. To take an idea from Ian Kerner who wrote "She Comes First," don't think of these acts as foreplay; think of them as coreplay. Intercourse doesn't define sex.
Note: Cockrings aren't silly. Be more open minded. Cockrings can be a lot of fun, but you'll never know that if you never try them.
I saw on Babeland and Early2Bed that strapons can be used by males, too. Other than in the case of Erectile Function Disorder, why would men use these? Is this a widespread activity among men?
There are a few different reasons that cisgendered men (or individuals born with a male body) would want to use a strap-on. One of them, is for ED like you mentioned. Another is for double penetration like with the Menage a Trois Fantasy Kit that I reviewed back in April.
Some men also just like the idea of not having to worry about whether or not their dick is hard and how long they can last. They may not have ED, but they just really want to fuck their partner until the wee hours of the morning. Or maybe this man has a partner who just loves his dick to pieces, but would like to try something a little different now and again. And instead of just using a dildo in hand, this guy likes to use his hips. And I'm sure there are still even more reasons that men would want to use strap-ons.
For any men who are interested in a harness that will leave room for their junk I would recommend the Menage a Trois Fantasy Kit for double penetration, or a harness that sits a bit higher up like The Crown Harness or The Commando Harness. Or if you're open to sprouting cocks from your legs you can also try out a thigh harness.
Is it widespread? From my experience working in a sex shop I'd say that it isn't too widespread. I do have cis men ask for strap-ons, but nowhere near as often as women and trans men.
Hi, I'm 19 years old and just had my beautiful baby girl with my fiancee. My problem is that I have not been able to orgasm since I was about 3 months pregnant. Before I got pregnant the only way I could climax was when I was on top, and since recently getting the ok from my doctor to have sex again, absolutely nothing has worked. I've tried masturbation and clitoral stimulation, but neither works for me. I do not have postpartum depression, I'm not happy about my 30 lbs weight gain, but I am by no means depressed. Do you have any suggestions to help me?
First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this. I hope you aren't having this issue any more and that this will just be advice for those who are looking for answers now and in the future. But if you are still struggling with achieving orgasm now, maybe I can give you a few ideas.
I'm going to assume that you gave birth vaginally.
Pregnancy and childbirth can really screw with your system! It can take awhile for things to get back to normal down there and what is normal might actually end up changing for you.
Some possible changes that might be inhibiting your orgasms include hormones, change in vaginal muscles (weakening/stretching/tearing/etc.), change in level of libido, change in self-esteem especially related to weight gain, and just a general change in how things are working down there right now.
One of the most important things you can do for yourself after giving birth is to give yourself time. I'm glad you waited for the OK from your doctor as some couples don't and can actually do damage. But you also need to give yourself time to get back into the swing of things. Like I said before, pregnancy and child birth can really change a lot of things and sometimes that means relearning your body and how you receive pleasure and reach orgasm.
But don't think of it as a chore. I know it can be extremely frustrating to not reach orgasm in the ways you've always done, but try to think of it as a fun experiment to see what feels good now. If you can, try to not make orgasm your goal. Just enjoy your intimate moments together and try to find what feels just plain great. Eventually, you'll be able to figure out what brings you to orgasm now. Maybe even hold off on intercourse and just relearn how to use your hands and mouths on each others bodies. When you do get back to having vaginal intercourse, try new positions. Maybe even pick up a copy of a positions book. I like the Position of the Day Playbook because it doesn't take itself too seriously and because it has places where you can make notes on each position. This way you can remember what you liked and didn't like and what little changes you made to make it better. Spend time relearning your body on your own as well.
One big tip I can give you is to do Kegel exercises so you can get the muscles that actually contract during orgasm back into shape. Doing your Kegels while masturbating can often be lots of fun!
Another tip that may be helpful is to try to spend more time on setting the mood and focusing on foreplay. I know this can be extremely difficult when you have a baby, but it can go a long way in helping you to feel more sexy instead of fat and frazzled. For tips on keeping your sex life alive after having kids check out the book Sexy Mamas.
And remember, your body is going to change throughout your life which means that the ways you get off are going to change too. Try not to get frustrated with it and instead embrace the variety of life and the pleasure (not just orgasms) you derive from sex.
I would like to hear your point of view on 3somes ... polyamorous relationships. Having sex with a third party. Any advice on positions, how to deal with emotions and how to keep it equal?
Relationships are a lot of work, a lot of really hard work. They require constant open communication, compromise, and vulnerability. Polyamorous relationships are even more work than regular old monogamy. All parties involved need to sit down and make ground rules and figure out what to do about jealousy if it arises, and it usually does. There needs to be a lot of open, honest communication and compromise or these types of relationships will absolutely not work. Some people really like the idea of polyamory, but just can't talk openly about these things and there ends up being a big mess. It can be difficult for many since in our society we are taught to not talk about these things. Many people just expect others to read their minds and this can be frustrating enough in monogamy and really end up ruining the relationship, but forget about it when it comes to polyamory.
As far as positions go, well that's where you can be creative. There are all kinds of things to try from each giving the other one oral sex to double penetration to having one person worshiped by the other two. There are all kinds of possibilities depending on what everyone likes and is in the mood for. Just talking about it and coming up with new ideas could be a hot venture in itself.
So really everything I'm saying here is that communication is the key to great sex and relationships no matter what type you are involved in. Also, you should always practice safer sex especially with the more people you bring into your relationships.
For more information on polyamory/open relationships check out The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are really great books by women who are in open or poly relationships themselves.
Today Shanna Katz/Essin’Em tweeted a question via the Fascinations twitter account that I found to be very interesting. I attempted to answer in 140 characters or less, but found it to be rather difficult. And since the question is on a topic that I’ve been meaning to talk about in my blog anyways, I figured this would be the perfect time.
The question: Can sex be addictive?
I’ve heard people say that you can’t be addicted to something you need to live. With the exception of the air around us that we need to breathe and our blood pumping through our system, I’d say that I disagree with that statement. Addiction happens when you use and abuse substances, experiences, etc. Addiction is consciously or unconsciously saying “Fuck the consequences” when you need your fix. And it’s just that: a fix. We need to eat in order to survive, but food can also be an addiction. We abuse food when we eat because we’re bored or sad or angry. And it can give us a high that we want to replicate over and over again which becomes an addiction. That’s different than eating because you’re nourishing your body. You need food to live, but you don’t need to binge eat regularly to live.
The same goes for sex. Now some may say that you don’t need sex to live, but I think a lot of people would disagree with them (except for the asexuals). Sex is a part of who most people are. But when sex becomes something that you do to get a certain feeling (euphoria, intimacy, adrenaline) and you say “fuck the consequences” and don’t give much thought as to how you’re getting that feeling then it becomes an addiction.
Now I want to state that I don’t think that everyone who says they’re addicted to sex really is. I think it’s a cheap and easy scapegoat for famous people to make when they get caught in the middle of a sex scandal. It’s difficult to know who is being serious and who isn’t.
I used to suffer from sex addiction. I was never diagnosed with it, but I knew it. When I was about 19 I went through a major depression and I spent a lot of time doing drugs and having anonymous sex. I didn’t care much about myself, but I loved the highs that sex and drugs created and hated the lows.
Some may say that the sex was just a symptom of my depression, but I’d say that they were both wrapped up in each other. It was a tool of escapism and it also helped to plummet me deeper into depression. The drugs were also a tool of escapism, but I never became addicted to those. I didn’t need the drugs. I needed the sex. Many addicts become addicted to their escape tools. Often alcoholics will use booze to numb the pain and it becomes a cycle where the alcoholism causes the pain that they are numbing.
For me, sex gave me the intimacy that I was longing for. For a short period of time I could feel cared about. I could be held. After it was over though I usually felt worse. But I kept wanting that high and so I kept seeking it out. It didn’t really matter with who and often the sex was unprotected.
I want to state that I am in no way against casual sex. Fuck who ever the hell you want to. But do it because you really want it, not because you’re looking for something else. And be safe!
So yes, I think that sex can be addictive. I think that anything that produces a chemical reaction in your brain can cause addiction. We become addicted to those chemicals. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but hey that’s the point of discussion. What do you think? Can sex be addictive?
I am a gay male who is having sex (safe of course) with another man. I am on the receiving end of the sex, if you understand. When I am having anal sex with my guy, he frequently slips out. Why does this happen? It happens a few times each session. Are there any ways I can prevent this from happening?
I'd say that this other man that you're having sex with sounds like he thinks his dick is longer than it is. So he keeps pulling out further than he should and pops out. The best solution I can give you is to talk to him about making his thrusts a bit on the shorter side and maybe deeper (but only if deeper feels good for you). If he's new to this or you're new to having sex together it may take a bit for you guys to get the swing of things, but after some practice it will go more smoothly. And I'm glad to hear you're using protection!
Please, give some detail...what are the advantages and disadvantages of being a virgin after age 18, or just being a virgin at all?
What we saw in my last blog can be seen as a disadvantage to remaining a virgin. Basically the level of inexperience can make sex difficult, frustrating, awkward, and even painful. Also having the status of virgin can be embarrassing as some peers may make fun of you. Potential dates may even reject you for your virginity. So there can be some definite disadvantages there. However, the advantages can highly outweigh the disadvantages if they are the types of advantages you are seeking.
It is really best for one to wait to have sex until they are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready. A lot of people that I have talked to actually say that they wish they had waited longer. Sex can be a wonderful thing, but it should really only be done by mature adults who understand and can handle the consequences that sex brings with it. I'm not about to start a crusade to get kids to stop having sex though because I personally think it is impossible. It is best to equip them with as much knowledge as we can so that they are prepared.
Some huge advantages to holding onto your virginity are not having to deal with the consequences that sex brings. If one is a virgin (and I'm not talking technical virgin meaning one who has done everything but had penile/vaginal intercourse, we're talking real virgin who has maybe participated in some petting at most) there is no fear of STIs, no fear of pregnancy, and less complicated emotional issues. Sex is super fun and can bring people closer together, but it can also be horrible and violating and tear people apart.
So my suggestion is to hold onto your virginity as long as you want to. Hold onto it until you know you are ready for those types of consequences. Enjoy getting to know people and having heavy make out sessions that leave you both hot and bothered. Oh how I miss those days. But also keep yourself informed. Read books about technique, safer sex, and even emotional intimacy. Even if you don't have practical knowledge going into the bedroom you will have some knowledge you can work from and that can make a huge difference. Keep an open mind and an open ear and you will learn very quickly exactly what your partner enjoys.
I'm looking for advice on posing on a web cam for a significant other.
Just like any sexual activity that involves one or more people, communication is going to be your best bet. Ask what your significant other wants to see. You may be surprised by the answers! That gut you've always despised may be one of your sexiest features according to your partner. And while you may think they want a closeup of your genitals, it may turn out that they rather watch your face while you orgasm.
I actually used to do some work as a cam girl so I have a little bit of experience in this field. A lot is going to really depend on how fast both you and your S.O.'s internet connections are. Obviously, the faster your internet the smoother the show will go.
If your connections are slow then it is going to be more like posing for a camera rather than acting in a film. If you have a slow connection you will have more time to set up for shots and that can be a lot of fun. However, in the end it may just end up being frustrating as you'd like to get on with the action instead of just posing. In that case you may want to take turns where one poses while the other masturbates. If your connections are faster and you can see most movements without any real blur then you can have all kinds of fun.
Probably the most important guideline is to make sure you have a window up that allows you to see yourself on cam. Try to have it mirrored as well, so that you can more easily move while looking at yourself on cam. This will allow you to see what your partner sees instead of just hoping that you're showing them what you think you're showing them.
Think of it like you're going on a date, but also like you're putting on a show. Make sure you're clean and dressed nicely (or kinkily depending on what you're going for). Presentation is important. You might even want to dress up for the occasion. You can do a lot more with a dress shirt and tie than you can with just a t-shirt. Wear nice underwear. No one likes to see a strip tease that results in stained or holey underpants.
Put on some music. It will help set the mood for you and help you to move in a more relaxed manner. But make sure you put on a sexy playlist instead of having your mp3s on shuffle. Nothing can ruin a sexy moment more than a Sesame Street song playing in the middle of a masturbation session (C is for Cookie has a whole new meaning for me).
Try to romance the webcam. Don't just rip your clothes off and rub one out. Take your time. Do a striptease first. Use props. Select what your partner sees and doesn't see. Caress yourself. Make them want more. Especially if this is a long distance relationship this can be important. You don't want your sex life to be 'wam bam thank you ma'am' whether you're in person or on cam.
Remember to tell your partner when you think something they do is hot. Encouragement can make the whole thing a lot hotter. Tell them how much watching them gets you hot. Ask for the same kind of encouragement if you want more than they are giving.
But mostly, have fun with it. Don't take yourself or the show too seriously. Silly things are going to happen that you wouldn't expect and that's OK. Just laugh it off.
Ask Garnet - Why We So Desperately Need Good Sex Ed
There are several new studies out that scare the hell out of me. Sex education should be a basic right for everyone. It is a necessity. How can you possibly keep yourself sane and healthy if you are having sex, but don’t know anything about it other than it feels good? And hell, if you’re a woman, maybe you don’t even have that much going on.
Twenty-eight percent of young men think that wearing two condoms at a time is more effective than just one. Twenty-five percent think that women can prevent pregnancy by douching after sex. Eighteen percent believe that they can reduce the chance of pregnancy by doing it standing up. For the most part, men lagged behind women on the pregnancy prevention front. And when the study dipped into the realm of “female” forms of birth control, the gender divide intensified. In the study, 29 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported that they know “little or nothing about condoms.” When asked to rate their knowledge of birth control pills, 78 percent of men reported to be clueless, compared to 45 percent of women.
To really drive the level of stupidity home, the article shares anecdotes from women with clueless boyfriends not understanding how the NuvaRing works (“how is it going to catch my semen?”) or even how women’s bodies work (can you shower on your period while not wearing a tampon?). They point to the lack of sex education and knowledge of women’s bodies as the problem here and I have to agree strongly.
The next study done by the Kinsey Institute shows that Americans can’t even agree on what sex is. The study was a survey of 486 mostly heterosexual 18-96 year olds. They asked a series of questions involving different sexual acts and then asked them if it was sex. “Would you say you ‘had sex’ with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank]?”
“two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said ‘no’ to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.” And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn’t ejaculate.
You have to wonder if this is part of why people are so clueless about safer sex and birth control. If we can’t even decide on what sex is then how can we adequately protect ourselves? And hell that’s why Gold Star Lesbians are still considered virgins by so many mainstream folks. I mean, how can queer sex even exist at all within these kinds of definitions? Its no wonder so many people so offensively ask how two women can have sex.
It reminds me of when I lost my virginity. I had a pretty traditional view of losing one’s virginity at the age of 17 and yet my boyfriend at the time still considered himself to be a virgin even after we had, what I considered to be, sex. His penis went in my vagina and he broke my hymen. It hurt. There was no real thrusting or orgasms that night. But I thought I’d lost my virginity. According to him though, neither of us had.
Can we please stop with the abstinence only education already? It does NOT work! We all have a right to know how to take care of our bodies and learning about sex is a huge part of that.
