"Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG"
By: TheHGW
| 951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. 952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. 953. No matter how high my strength, still can't use that wall as a shield. 954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets. 955. No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy-band. 956. Despite the halberd being 6' long, it can't hit monsters more than 5' away. 957. Even if it's been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn't getting the DT's. 958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks. 959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town. 960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade. 961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name. 962. If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice. 963. After critting with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate. 964. Elves aren't marsupials. 965. Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him. 966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power. 967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. 968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn't. 969. When I'm allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn't include Ava Fabian. 970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create. 971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs. 972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill. 973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals. 974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative. 975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze. 976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement. 977. Disable plot device is not a real skill. 978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been. 979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason. 980. As a matter of fact, a 90' tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon. 981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok. 982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there. 983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle. 984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support. 985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else. 986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat. 987. Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick. 988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed. 989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies. 990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice. 991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry. 992. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn't take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw. 993. Even if the rules allow it, I can't empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb. 994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class. 995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name for a paladin. 996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies. 997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby. 998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. 999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules. 1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus. |
 But we sound so sexy! |
 Chuckariffic! |
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 SHE'S a bunny! WHY NOT!? |
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 I can't take it! MY BRAIN IS MELTING! |