Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: TheHGW
| 801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire. 802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster. 803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem. 804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I'm not a Malkavian. 805. On second thought, I can't take it even if I am a Malkavian. 806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population. 807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects. 808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons. 809. I don't earn the bonus XP for a written background if it's just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug. 810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions. 811. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight. 812. I don't have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act. 813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. 814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once. 815. Somebody doesn't "accidentally" fall on two dozen shanks. 816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time. 817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death. 818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure. 819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden. 820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can't serve the god of obituaries. 821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff. 822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. 823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power. 824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT. 825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means. 826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners. 827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets. 828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow. 829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss. 830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd. 831. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills. 832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill. 833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed. 834. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull. 835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. 836. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.' 837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally. 838. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code. 839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'. 840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. 841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne. 842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos. 843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. 844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths. 845. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?" 846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes. 847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell. 848. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes" 849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once. 850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us. |