Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: TheHGW
| 751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach" 752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty. 753. No encouraging swedish accents. 754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it. 755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it's starting equipment list. 756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance. 757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book. 758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it's pharmaceutical properties. 759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game. 760. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself. 761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring. 762. Fighter can't put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit. 763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin. 764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can't spend an action to change the radio presets. 765. Can't parry with a called shot to the face. 766. No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT. 767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. 768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends. 769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn't take the vampire template. 770. My mythos investigator doesn't talk in his sleep. 771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance. 772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin. 773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away. 774. If I've leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin's 0, that doesn't mean I'm lapping him. 775. My investigator's motto is not "99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don't push me" 776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei. 777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art. 778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig. 779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can't go up ten levels in one night. 780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card "D. Duck." 781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes" 782. My paladin's job is not to enforce happiness. 783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan. 784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat. 785. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket. 786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet. 787. "Start a career in modeling" is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell. 788. "You take the scary one" is not our default battle strategy. 789. Even if it's for his own safety, can't secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer's guns. 790. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised. 791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point. 792. Despite the movie's claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess. 793. When building a superhero, can't spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking. 794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame. 795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof "Duck and Cover" works. 796. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office. 797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far. 798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. 799. Can't hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06. 800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them. |
 Why can't I have pasties?! |
 No toad licking! |
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 But, He was going to kill me first! |
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 Yes sir, my name is D. Duck |