Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist" 702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item. 703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage. 704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. 705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras. 706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale. 707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check. 708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it's obviously Private Drake from Aliens. 709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir. 710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn't obviously obtained in a brothel. 711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. 712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn't mean with cigarette butts. 713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler. 714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas. 715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint. 716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. 717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche. 718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren't appreciated. 719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel. 720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. 721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character. 722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. 723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent. 724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs. 725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can't hit on her. 726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs. 727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant. 728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel. 729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick's lingerie. 730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip. 731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display. 732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar. 733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts. 734. My character's background cannot be a wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in. 735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus. 736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks. 737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr. 738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. 739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. 740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language. 741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana. 742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either. 743. Even if the rules allow it, can't takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug. 744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. 745. Can't wish I was the GM. 746. No making up holidays for my cleric. 747. Can't just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it. 748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. 749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy. 750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass. |
 BarbWink! RARRR!! |
 Ninjas on sale at Costco |
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 Successful panty raids look funny |
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 Mana: Now available in kegs! |