Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good. 652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things. 653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits. 654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me. 655. When asked my position in the party, it's not 'whatever's closest to Bangkok.' 656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill. 657. Can't put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces. 658. Changes sexes is restricted to male or female. 659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei. 660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires. 661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score. 662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar. 663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can't get a bonus to my intimidate check. 664. Unlike real life, I don't gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children. 665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan. 666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can't pick Nunchucks. 667. No matter what the dice say, can't decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor. 668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols. 669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children. 670. While I'm fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner. 671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors. 672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell. 673. It's not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle. 674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option. 675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the identical twin advantage 22 times. 676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP. 677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex. 678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. 679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex. 680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it. 681. Even if he is a total blast, can't channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball. 682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower. 683. After finishing the cliched "New boss is villain" adventure, can't file for unemployment. 684. My mummy can't take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary. 685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell. 686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead" 687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. 688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred - All living things. 689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted. 690. Mordenkainen's Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell. 691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat. 692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School. 693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring. 694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. 695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn't fooling anybody. 696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed. 697. No "accidentally" crosswiring the X-Wing's fire control and ejection seat switches. 698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target's HR files and getting babes' phone numbers. 699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands. 700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire's economy by spending all my swag there at once. |
 Vampiremart - For all your hunting needs |
 Ebay - The Place to sell ANYTHING! Even alien artifacts |
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 Baron Samedi |
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 Delivering to you, except to the Keep on the Borderlands. |