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Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG

By: The Glen

601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf's shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
613. I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.
614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate.
615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin': Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo's bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn't funny.
631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can't keep punching him until he get it.
633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can't pick his weapon.
634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women's lingerie.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!'
636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn't leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can't take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words 'wizard', 'station wagon' and 'wood paneling' is no.
648. Can't marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
650. Gnolls don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.

Mmmm. Elf Stripper
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.

Oompa-Loompa Doopity Doo...
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.

Now introducing DIRE Gummy Bears!
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.

I swear! My grandma can shoot at 99% at 1500 yards!

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