Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin. 552. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw. 553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush. 554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something. 555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm. 556. Even though I'm the ranger, I can't stalk the elf babe. 557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it. 558. There is not a 'Take your daughter to work day' for adventurers. 559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion. 560. Can't hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship's janitor. 561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. 562. "Pass without trace" doesn't work on bad checks. 563. I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot. 564. The Lutherans don't have an inquisition. 565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS. 566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank. 567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish. 568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish' 569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. 570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars. 571. I will not secretly maze the wizard's familiar, druid's companion or paladin's mount just for a laugh. 572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. 573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM. 574. "Get dressed quickly in the dark" is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit. 575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission. 576. I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel. 577. No matter how stupid the PC's comment, it doesn't provide an attack of opportunity. 578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic. 579. "Pimp my Death Star" is not a real show, and I'd better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this. 580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. 581. No filling the paladin's stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he's got to atone for. 582. I can't thwart the Rebel Alliance's attack with the newly invented manhole cover. 583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. 584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea. 585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on. 586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional "flay" setting for my pistol. 587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with "Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP." 588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? 589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. 590. I can't convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it's piloted by John DeLancie. 591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat. 592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me. 593. Tensor's Herniated Disc is not a real spell. 594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill. 595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING. 596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. 597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. 598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. 599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn't show up for the last adventure. 600. Even if I'm a wizard, I still can't apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC. |
 ...And I offer my Accordion |
 There's never a shortage of blood again! |
|
 No you cannot have 3 alpacas. |
|
 Pimp my Death Star |