Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another character. 452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. 453. I will not redefine the term 'trapdoor'. 454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity. 455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. 456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud. 457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest. 458. "When I'm in the mood" is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell. 459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced 'Karl' 460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good. 461. Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell. 462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice. 463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can't play a Modron. 464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters. 465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom's seat cushions. 466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional. 467. There is no 'accidentally' slipping a Smite Evil into a pillow fight. 468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I'd better not be the prime, usual or only suspect. 469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room. 470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers. 471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish. 472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. 473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory. 474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics. 475. Can't trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids. 476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. 477. I cannot spay the Vargyr. 478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word 'Ariba!" 479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young's stage costume. 480. I will not address Fauner Posen with 'Jawohl mein Liebenaffe' 481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rimshot or spit take. 482. No uploading porn to my CO's HUD. 483. No downloading porn from my CO's HUD. 484. If the word 'Mullet' appears anywhere on my samurai's character sheet, he's vetoed. 485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "Torah, Torah, Torah" 486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum. 487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia. 488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I'm low on HP, no filing Workman's Comp. 489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch. 490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly. 491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn't mean Jesus loves me twice as much. 492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl. 493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom. 494. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe. 495. No supplying my own canned applause. 496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls. 497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence lower than 8, I am forbidden from talking to them. 498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood. 499. No inventing the minefield. 500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he's too lazy to walk. means. |
 But Why Not? Gary Oldman Rawks! |
 It's so hip to be square. |
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 Toddlers are the evil, I tell ya. |
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 Jesus loves me THIS much more than you. |
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