Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept. 502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock" 503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer. 504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan. 505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god's BAB. 506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet. 507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play. 508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO. 509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him. 510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. 511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be "The Charleston" 512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. 513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. 514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus. 515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might. 516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. 517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem. 518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. 519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon. 520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer. 521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign. 522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist. 523. When I'm rescued the correct response is 'thank you' not 'took your freaking time!' 524. I will not ask my gun for advice. 525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi. 526. If an NPC is known as the "One" I cannot volunteer to be the "Two". 527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift. 528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation. 529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho. 530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying. 531. No making up gnomish subraces. 532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. 533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache. 534. When I level up, I just can't copy the guy next to me's choices. 535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards. 536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock. 537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis. 538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men. 539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge. 540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue." 541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. 542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. 543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer. 544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn. 545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors. 546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures. 547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances. 548. I cannot have a "What Would Ao Do?" bracelet. 549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion. 550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. |
 Nothing wrong with doing The Charleston! |
 It was Mr. McGallager all along! |
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 Duncan, Idaho? |
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 You know you love the 'stache, baby. |