Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By; The HGW
| 401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. 402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish. 403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. 404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls. 405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. 406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not "Do not talk about Finnegan school" 407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze. 408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun. 409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile. 410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him. 411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. 412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram. 413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me. 414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian. 415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer. 416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. 417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos. 418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC. 419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments. 420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not. 421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. 422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks. 423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. 424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show. 425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. 426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again. 427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment. 428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro. 429. If the character isn't deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN. 430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage. 431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot" 432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter. 433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. 434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger" 435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us. 436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO. 437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can. 438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150' with herpes is not an acceptable super power. 439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age. 440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. 441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through. 442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice. 443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten. 444. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps. 445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with 'a little less lawful, a little more good' 446. Ninjas are not ablative. 447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. 448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes. 449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level. 450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
 Konami Code!!!!!!!! |
 Good Ol' Hookers & Booze |
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 But Buffy even made a musical! |
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 #@?! You! I'll smoke where I want to! |