Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast 352. When I choose my wizard's familar, Belgians are not a legal choice. 353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate. 354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon. 355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!" 356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill. 357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes. 358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up. 359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once. 360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again. 361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson's Last Stand. 362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. 363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. 364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters. 365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist's sister. 366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. 367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along. 368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid. 369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure. 370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil. 371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items. 372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break. 373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples. 374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again. 375. Killing the building does not add to my body count. 376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. 377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses. 378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard. 379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa. 380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one. 381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad. 382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module. 383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries. 384. The titles "Viking" and "Obstretrician" are mutually exclusive. 385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl. 386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize. 387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like 'is' or 'the' and activate when you say them. 388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees. 389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. 390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. 391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant. 392. I am forbidden to see when halflings or gnomes bounce higher. 393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option. 394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf. 395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first. 396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters. 397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism. 398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons. 399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate. 400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it. |
 Profession: Ecdysiast aka Stripper |
 Round 1: Fight! |
|
|
|
|
 What do ya mean, I can't deal non-lethal? |
