Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: TheHGW
| 300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda. 301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. 302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor. 303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. 304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me. 305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. 306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals. 307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can't specialize in fencing weapons. 308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja. 309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps. 310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers. 311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope. 312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain. 313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. 314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. 315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere. 316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign. 317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'. 318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future. 319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I'm Kilroy. 320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath. 321. The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy. 322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy" 323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease. 324. I cannot start the game pregnant. 325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept. 326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster. 327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One. 328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting. 329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. 330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild. 331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War 332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends. 333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. 334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. 335. When installing cyberware, can't install the Clapper as a built in feature. 336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. 337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha. 338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed. 339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter" 340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent. 341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties. 342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party. 343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard. 344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. 345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either. 346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. 347. If I'm not the decker, I can't do anything I saw in Tron once. 348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. 349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell. 350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING. |
 Gimp Suit |
 The Burt |
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 The Only Real Religion, XENU! |
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 IQ Roll does not make guy's head explode! |