Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z. 252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out. 253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death. 254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant. 255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon. 256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers 257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes. 258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5 259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer. 260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled. 261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. 262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. 263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him. 264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms. 265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does. 266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone. 267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll. 268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person. 269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack. 270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope. 271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine. 272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration. 273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill. 274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours. 275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy. 276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy. 277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball. 278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden. 279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister. 280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia. 281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC. 282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP. 283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name. 284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision. 285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection. 286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor. 287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for. 288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. 289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium. 290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party. 291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon. 292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure. 293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl. 294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic. 295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity. 296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon. 297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles. 298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German. 299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep. 300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda. |
 Candy Aisle at Kroger |
 FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!! |
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 What's wrong with hawaiin shirts? |
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 Sheep Stampede = NO XP |
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