Chronicles of Faerun: Prelude to the Prelude

Chapter Two: How I Met Cazz the Illusionist, or – “Why Cazz the Illusionist Owes me his Life and Devoted Service for the Rest of Eternity.”

We left on a nice day, looking for the Ladykillers, dressed (falsely) to the hilt and ready to kick some bandit butt! We headed Northeast up the ride, back, sort of, to Myth Drannor. I was hoping we’d meet the Ladykillers fairly quick – the White Hart serves the BEST venison stew in the parts, and as usual, I was hungry (8 eggs, a pound of bacon, a loaf of bread with butter and honey and ten (total) glasses of milk and apple juice just aren’t enough for a growing girl!).

A few days travel brought us to the entrance to the forest – a great spot for an ambush, but I doubted even a bandit gang with the pretentious name of “Ladykillers” would be doltish enough to set up one there, since it’s the obvious spot. Hmm, guess I was wrong this time.

Hans heard it first – a low moaning from the right (south) side of the road. Also some giggles (giggles?). We all paused, then a robed and cloaked figure dropped from the big tree overshadowing the road. Dressed all in black, couldn’t tell features, yada yada, seen it all a thousand times. I set my hands on my hips and cocked my head. Hans and Franka moved forward, hands on their weapons. The figure decided to break the so-called tension (I already had half of a Scorching Ray cast at this point!).

“Well, well, two more yummy specimens – and a little girl, too! How delicious!”

WHAT?! Did it just speak in a woman’s voice?!?! I started to realize what our mistake had been, pretty quickly!

Hans and Franka looked pretty out of it – the shock was probably more than their minds could bear. Franka looked at the figure, who swept back the cloak, revealing… well, VERY revealing robes, cleavage like the Rift Canyon in the Shaar, and a tall and muscled figure. Oh, I was going to ENJOY this fight!!! Then Franka spoke.

“Are you okay, Miss? I hear moans – is one of your party injured? I or my brother could heal them for you?”

DOLT!!! IMBECILE!!! These are the freaking bandits mush-for-brains!!!

She looked at him with the same expression I had on my face – in that moment I rather sympathized with her – we both had to deal with the Brothers Dim.

She must have noticed I had a spell almost ready – I’ll give her credit for that, at least. She laughed and said,

“So the little girl is the leader? Tell your bodyguards to hand over all their valuables, then we’ll let all of you pass – we’ve got our playtoy for a while. Oh, girls, why don’t you show them we’re serious!”

Another four figures dropped down, shaking off cloaks and revealing almost identical figures – since I figured there were at least two where the moaning was coming from, that made seven bandits – I didn’t even need Franka and Hans for this one, though they’d make the job easier. This fight was going to be SO much fun!!!

“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m the leader. The Brothers Dim just don’t have what it takes – do you?”

She looked at me and narrowed her eyes.

“Insolence will only get you killed, little girl, even if you do know a magic spell.”

Hans and Franka were listening and watching. I was hoping they’d catch on soon that these women were the enemy, and that the mistake we’d made was not putting a space in “Ladykillers.” It should have been “The Lady Killers.” I took three steps right, towards the moaning – whoever it was didn’t sound in good shape.

“We’ll, insolence works both ways – especially when you don’t know who you’re dealing with.” By moving, I’d also lined myself up with the leader and one of her cronies – the Ray would hit both now.

“Oh? And who is it that’s so fearsome I should worry?” Then she laughed – that same, irritating-as-hell, annoying, let-me-choke-you-to-death laugh Naga used to do!!! OH, WAS THIS BITCH TOAST!!! I felt my left eye and face start to twitch, out of sheer anger.

“My name’s Lina Inverse – and you’re a bandit, so even an idiotic cleavage-laden moron like yourself knows what that means!”

CLICK! The lights must have gone on inside her head.

“YOU?! You’re Lina Inverse?” She looked me up and down. “Flat-chested, short, Drow eyes – YOU ARE HER! Girls, take her down now!” I was upset she didn’t add the “or we’re all dead” part.

I didn’t waste any more time – “SCORCHING RAY!” And leapt off to the right, nearer to the moaning. I figured whoever it was needed my help, badly.

“Hans! Franka! Attack NOW!” I was hoping THAT might sink into their mush-for-brain heads. Hoping they’d caught the clue, I turned and ran towards the moaning, leaving my meat shields behind. It was at most maybe 10 yards, then I came to a clearing. I had to pause and gag.

A man was NUDE! On his back, one partially-clothed bandit on top, another rummaging through his belongings. WTF?!?! Obviously he was being robbed, but, well, he umm… seemed to be ENJOYING it!?!?!?! What’s up with this guy?

“Scorching Ray!” I sent a blast at the one… umm… on top. It blew her completely off and across the clearing – ONE DOWN FOR LINA!!!

The other one turned and looked – she was definitely surprised. I grinned big and started another spell. She turned and was in the process of casting “shield” when my Orb of Fire slammed into her. I almost laughed seeing her run around in circles with her clothes on fire, until.. Oh yeah, there’s an entire battle going on here!

SHE came into the clearing- the leader, I mean. She looked PISSED. My first ray had evidently hit her – she had a scorched garment and her hair was frizzed out.

“You little wench! How DARE you challenge us!” She began casting a spell. Uh Oh, maybe I underestimated this one – she’s at least equal to me! She was casting Scorching Ray. I immediately began counterspelling it, at the same time listening to the clang of weapons from the clearing where I’d left Hans and Franka – they were at least fighting with weapons there and not spells.

Now, counterspelling is tricky business. Some people are better at it than others. You can use an on-the-spot modified version of the spell the opponent is casting, or try a general counterspell with Dispel Magic. I don’t know Dispel Magic, so I had to wing it, and I’d honestly never tried before, but if I didn’t, I knew I’d probably be barbequed, so I really had nothing to lose. I could feel that strange surge of cold and emotion flow in my body as I completed a slightly modified variant and we both shot the rays at one another.

SIZZLE! POOF!

As I expected (I AM a sorcery genius, after all) the spells cancelled one another – one major mishap averted. That still left me with two current – make that three as another woman with a battle axe came crashing into the clearing from where my meat shields were fighting – opponents, albeit one was rolling desperately on the ground to try and put out the flames she was engulfed in. Time to get serious. I began casting a spell in “Gobbledeegook” – that other, special language I mentioned earlier.

I could tell the leader couldn’t make hide nor hair out of what I was doing – seemed to me she was trying a general Dispel Magic counterspell to try and disrupt what I was casting. People had tried that before and failed (I never could figure out why). I uttered the final words of the spell.

“Bulwark of Reality!”

Translated it shouts – Bulwark of Reality. The three (well, okay, two, since the one on fire had stopped rolling and I figured she was gone – TWO FOR LINA!) opponents hit the ground and rolled as far from me as possible. Instead of a flashy effect, though, all they saw was a brief shimmering gold field around me, and then nothing. The spell I’d cast was my best protection spell – somehow it generated a field around me more powerful than a standard “Mage Armor” spell, but it didn’t last as long. This is actually the secret on how I can take on 10 or so bandits by myself – but if you tell anyone I’ll turn you into my dinner!

Now I had to figure out what to do with these two. Both were standing up with looks on their faces like “Why aren’t we dead?” You’re not dead because I didn’t cast an offensive spell, big-chested wenches! Now was the time FOR an offensive spell, and they were both lined up so nicely… Hehe… I pulled a scroll out of my case.

And then the tactical situation changed. The leader began casting another spell – a quick glance told me it was shield, while the gal with the battle axe rushed me. At the same time TWO more women of the gang came running into the area – I couldn’t tell if they looked afraid or like they’d dealt with Hans and Franka and were now ready to take on the might of little ‘ol me. I was too busy finishing the reading of the scroll. The Head of the Big-Chest, Small Brain Gang had just finished her spell and the battle axe girl had jumped back after her attack failed to hit me (SPECTACTULARLY, I might add – I LOVE Bulwark!) when I completed reading my scroll –

“FIREBALL!!!!”

You should have seen the looks on the bandit’s faces. And, umm, well, the looks on Hans’ and Franka’s faces (HEY, IS IT MY FAULT THEY WANDERED INTO THE AOE WHEN THE SPELL WENT OFF!!!!). Even though it was a scroll, I could feel a massive surge of that cold power, and my hands had a golden aura around them.

Needless to say, all that was left after that was the clean-up. Hans and Franka had been at the very edge (thank Mystra!) and were scorched but okay. The bandits – well – there wasn’t much left. There actually wasn’t even much left of the woods between the clearing and the road. Ya see, that was a special scroll I’d been saving, one much more powerful than a normal store bought fireball. The three of us (after I gave Hans and Franka ALL my healing potions – URGH!!! WHY couldn’t they have stayed on the ROAD?!!?!?) went to look at the guy on the ground.

He had shorter hair and a beard, and after I made the Brothers Dim dress him, he appeared to be a scholar or traveler – but all in decent earth tone or bright colors. He was kinda out of it at the time, until he shook his head and looked at me.

“Well hello there, miss. Were you the one on top? Or the one on bottom?”

SLAP!!!! BONK!!!

“WHAT!!!!! I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE HUSSY BANDITS WHO TRIED TO ROB YOU MISTER!!!”

He rubbed the hand print on his cheek and the huge knot on his head and looked at me.

“No, I guess you aren’t. They all had larger chests.”

I couldn’t believe he said it with a straight face.

SLAP!!! BONK!!!

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM MISTER!!!?!?!?!? I JUST saved you from being robbed by a group of bandits and you have the gall to INSULT me?” I could hear Hans and Franka going “huh?” in the background. “Don’t you know who I am? I could roast you in a second!” I stood up and totally decided he’d get absolutely NO healing – AND he’d have to carry all MY loot back to the White Hart.

“Should I know you?”

I looked at him like he was insane – great, another one from far away. Then he paused.

“Wait – from the descriptions maybe I do, since you say those gorgeous women were bandits.” His eyes looked me up and down (go ahead and make another comment mister, and have three lumps after your tart, sugar! – hehe, get it? Lumps – Sugar… okay, so maybe it wasn’t that funny… anyway). “You’re Lina Inverse the Pink Sorceress, the Enemy of All Who Live, the Bandit Slayer, and the Dragon Spooker.”

I could feel the right side of my face twitching. At least he hadn’t made comments about height or chest size this time, but…

I lunged at him and felt Franka grab me from behind just as my hand was about to smash his face in.

“Lina! He is injured. You should not strike an injured man who may be a friend to us. And what does he mean – ‘enemy of all who live’?”

I turned and bonked him on the head.

“I have NO idea what he means, but it’s the THIRD insult, along with that ‘Dragon Spooker’ crap, so I’m gonna smack him!” I could hear the guy stand up behind me.

“Pardon me if I offended. I may be a little out of it. I was given this,” he held up a pipe that I hadn’t noticed, “by the women. I suspect it is a mild euphoric drug. As far as your titles, you should know them. At least that’s what they call you in the thieves’ guilds in Sembia.”

“AHA! So does that mean you’re a thief too?” Hans and Franka both looked surprised, but I could tell they were ready to attack if this guy turned out to be a bandit. Franka let go of me and I turned to face the guy. He replied to my question.

“I used to be, but now I’m an adventurer, though I retained my skills. I use them now to penetrate” (I wanted to smack him again when he said that word with THAT look on his face) “dungeons and ruins. Same as you, I would guess, when you’re not out hunting bandits. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Cazz Cerulean.” He extended his hand. I eyed him warily.

“Lina Ecanthra Inverse – I guess you know me, but forget the ‘Pink’ stuff.” I extended my own hand and shook his.

SLAP!

He KISSED my hand!!! Now normally I don’t get upset over stuff like that (it’s kinda romantic and makes me think about handsome princes <sigh>), but after what this guy had been doing…

Franka grabbed me again, pinning my arms to my sides (GODS!!! I need to learn how to cast without somatic components so bad!!!). Cazz looked at me and rubbed his cheek.

“You’re quite a bit different from any other young woman I’ve ever met, Miss Inverse. I really didn’t believe the tales that you were only fifteen. I have to admit, for someone so young, you’re very impressive,” He suddenly got a look on his face (he must have seen the corner of my mouth start to twitch) and quickly added, “In the skill of the Art, I mean.”

So okay, I was mollified. And Franka sensed it ‘cus he let go of me.

“Okay, so this is Franka – he’s a paladin of Tempus,” Franka took a bow as I introduced him, “and this is Hans – his brother and a cleric of Tempus. We’re adventuring together and fighting against evil. What’s you’re take, Cazz?”

“I don’t like evil. Even when I was a thief I didn’t do banditry – guess you don’t have to slay me, after all.” He grinned.

The guy was charming and handsome, but did he have any real skills? If he knew how to pick locks and find traps, then I wouldn’t have to send Hans or Franka in first and let them set off all the traps! He could be useful – IF he could learn to keep his hands to himself!!!

We loaded up the loot (and YES, I MADE Cazz carry ALL of my share – after carefully counting it to make sure he didn’t steal any of it – once a thief, always a thief, I say), tied the ankles of the “Lady Killers” bodies with rope and I marched in front while Hans, Franka and Cazz dragged the bodies of the seven bandits behind us – ALL the way back to Ashabenaford. I quickly figured out Cazz wasn’t very strong. He WAS surprisingly intelligent, however. I was surprised he could talk about Tempus and actually knew some things about the history of the area. He was educated, intelligent, handsome, very persuasive (to anyone but me – on our way back it was Hans and Franka pulling the bodies while Cazz and I walked in front and talked), and knew a bit about the Art (that’s Magic for all you untutored people out there). He was a dabbler, but he specialized in illusions – that could come in handy, though not as handy as me, of course! The biggest problem was keeping him sober, off drugs, and his hands off women. What did I just get myself into? I guessed there was some story from his past, but he never shared it (and of course, I never told him about MY little, “Golden” secret, at least as far as I understand it).