Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: The HGW
| 201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. 202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician. 203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious. 204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. 205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co. 206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. 207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget. 208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins. 209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face. 210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk. 211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies. 212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. 213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. 214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. 215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action. 216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon. 217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it. 218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. 219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". 220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up. 221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox. 222. Druids are not against my religion. 223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't. 224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? 225. I am forbidden from monologuing. 226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea. 227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game." 228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2. 229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch. 230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. 231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. 232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos. 233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine. 234. My character does not get d34 HP a level. 235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none. 236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage. 237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition. 238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica. 239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica. 240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. 241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket. 242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew. 243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up. 244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any. 245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint. 246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get. 247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest. 248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. 249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime. 250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept. |
 Come on, play a little Slavic Music for us |
 Midget Projectile |
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 Mr. Yuk |
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 Druids go against my god! |
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