Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: TheHGW
| 101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING. 102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime. 103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup Checks 104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party members. 105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda. 106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. 107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. 108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. 109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car. 110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck. 111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. 112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane. 113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy. 114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. 115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device. 116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. 117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day. 118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer. 119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. 120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again. 121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc. 122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. 123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point. 124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions. 125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day. 126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. 127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe. 128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind. 129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. 130. I am not authorized to form the head. 131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces. 132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom" 133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round. 134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt" 135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap. 136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills. 137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy. 138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. 139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'. 140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms. 141. My maid does not know kung fu. 142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later. 143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right. 144. There is no such thing as pleather armor. 145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents. 146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. 147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry. 148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs. 149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory. 150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format. |
 No AOL 6.0! |
 BFG! Must fit in x-ray! |
|
 +3 Club of Cup Check |
|
 Logical weapons please!? |
|
 Gnomish Polka |
|