Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do in an RPG
By: TheHGW
| 151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower. 152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him. 153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check. 154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck. 155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason. 156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option. 157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'. 158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. 159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. 160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. 161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy. 162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner. 163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds. 164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice. 165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice. 166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection. 167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason. 168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon. 169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility. 170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof. 171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur" 172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check. 173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep. 174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. 175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News. 176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. 177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right. 178. There are no profanities in Celestial. 179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty. 180. I have neither the touch nor the power. 181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. 182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. 183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement. 184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope. 185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl. 186. No cutting line to be a god. 187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee. 188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf. 189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. 190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. 191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters. 192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it. 193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges. 194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. 195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog. 196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country. 197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp. 198. Not allowed to steal my own soul. 199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish' 200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems. |
 Halfing Flamethrower |
 Paintball Gatling |
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 Xagyg? |
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 Oh God, The Humanity! |
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