The Intelligent Woman's Thumbnail Guide to Polyamory
By: Pixie
| Love may mean having to say you are sorry, but it should not mean saying sorry in every other sentence or before you even say something such as in "I'm sorry, but I feel..." Love does not mean having to feel sorry and bad all the time for inadequacies, real or imagined. Love should never make you feel guilty or small or pathethic because you are not made to order. A person should not be asked to compromise on things that go against their very nature. Never take away a partners right to bitch and complain about their job or responsiblities. If you do not want to hear it, tune it out, but do not tell them you do not want to hear it and to not mention those things to them. Love, romance, and intimacy are only a small part of a full and complete healthy life. A person should never, and cannot, expect another person to meet all their needs. Some needs must be sublimated or lived without having them met and a person can still be happy without some things or certain needs being met. If sex and/or constant daily physically intimacy is a top need not met in polyamory or in any relationship, consider investing in a box of Kleenex, some lotion or a vibrator. Also suggested is therapy. I am not demonstrative enough, I do not give warm fuzzies and pats on the head to others who are not Zwerg, and I am not affectionate or passionate. However, I am all of those things when I choose to be, trust someone, and am secure. To expect me to be those things on a daily basis is not natural for me and goes against my nature. I am confident and secure in most of my social and personal relationships and do not need daily reassurances and signs. Repeated gifts and cards and such soon become meaningless gestures to me and not something I always acknowledge after a while. Too many little things is too much for me. I would rather be loved a little bit for a long time than be the great passion of someones life. I already have found and am with the love of my life. I do not want to be anyone others primary partner or their great love. I do burn out when under such a spotlite and under such intense heat. There are always primaries in polyamory (for me, at least). There will always be someone held above and beyond all others, valued more, trusted wholly, and who is a priority. People are individuals and therefore not interchangable in any manner or way. It *does* matter *who*. There is a choreography to polyamory and not everyone knows the steps and some people can't dance. I may be unable to dance well, but I do not poach others partners and am not constantly cutting in. If someone else, who is not your primary, is the proclaimed love of your life, you are doing a disservice to and being unkind to your primary.It is not right. You must be secure in your own relationship and it must be able to stand alone and be satisfying in and of itself. If a weak relationship enters polyamory, it is a great sorrow and not right. Someone will be in tears, usually the stronger relationship as they are carrying the emotional and energy weight of a solo person who seeks something in the polyamorous relationship that is not met in their primary one. You cannot be all things to all people even half the time without eroding yourself to some degree. There cannot be a quad relationship with three people and someone else. Everyone deserves better than that if they are putting the effort into the relationship. If there is a married couple or children belonging to parents in a poly relationship- that is sacred and off-limits to interfere in, the children and the marriage will be first always. Sometimes saying you've changed is not enough, sometimes even changing is not enough. (c) 2006 Pixie Bruner |